Paroxysm
by Tabi
Summary: There's something wrong with Marron, Carrot muses on that for a bit, then he finds out what's really wrong with him... gasp... angst....


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Paroxysm

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Carrot watched Marron as he slept. There was a little confusion on his face... sadness... Marron confused him at times. So much more often these days. Just little things, but... there was something about Marron that... Carrot couldn't put his finger on it. There was just something _wrong._

Marron was, of course, quiet about things. As usual. Marron was always quiet, Marron was always distanced, but Marron was usually generally warm when it came to night-time and the two were about to sleep. Carrot's bed lay to the other side of Marron, untouched. Carrot hadn't even attempted sleep, not yet. He just stood against the wall, watching Marron as he slept... he'd been out of the room while Marron prepared for sleep, otherwise Marron might have asked him why he wasn't getting ready for sleep too. Carrot just wasn't in the mood for sleep.

However, Marron seemed generally comfortable in his sleep. In his sleep if not during the day. Carrot wondered what it was... Carrot wondered what he'd really noticed today to make him this preoccupied. He sighed, thinking back through the day's events. What'd happened... nothing, not really. Big Mama had sent them on a mission, they'd gone after the errant Sorcerer, they'd defeated him, they'd come out of it unscathed. A routine mission, a usual day. Chocolat had hit on Carrot, Tira had got pissy, Carrot had hit on random girls, the both of them had got pissy, the both of them punished Carrot. Like usual. Gateau flirted with Marron, Marron brushed it off with a "..." and a weary sigh. Again, like usual.

That lack of reaction... those sighs... Carrot seemed to remember something. Today, Gateau'd been flirting with Marron... nothing special, just the usual, Carrot had just been watching to the side, ready to protect Marron if need be. Not that Gateau really did anything threatening, but Carrot liked to think that he was able to protect Marron if he wanted to... well, not if he just wanted to, more if the situation arose. Marron was always protecting Carrot, Carrot sometimes felt a bit useless that he wasn't as adept at protecting his brother as Marron was... Marron seemed to enjoy protecting Carrot, he seemed to get quiet satisfaction out of it... but still, Carrot felt like... he was the older brother, he should at least be able to protect... so, Carrot had been standing at the side, ready to step in with a "Hey Gateau, stop hitting on him! He's not interested, yeah?" if he needed to... Gateau had flirted, Marron had brushed him aside. He didn't really need Carrot's help at all. But there'd been something... just before Marron had brushed Gateau off... between Gateau flirting and Gateau going away to do something else, Marron had glanced at Carrot. Just a swift glance, the meeting of eyes... the sudden feeling that Carrot got from Marron was something that had shaken him enough to stop him from sleeping. Just in that second's glance, Marron looked... haunted? Hurt? Pained? Carrot leant slightly more against the wall as he thought about it, quietly. He wasn't really sure what the look was, not really. Some kind of pained look, though. If Marron didn't look haunted, then he certainly looked haunt_ing_. That look at stayed with Carrot through the day, making his mind tick over.

Currently though, Marron seemed peaceful enough in sleep. His robes from the day were folded up neatly on the chair next to his bed, Marron's arm holding over the bedsheets showed that he was wearing some simple kind of nightwear, enough to keep him warm. His breathing was slow and calm, Marron didn't snore.

Carrot wandered over, standing next to the bed. Carrot's position disturbed the light in the room, the light of the moon shining in from outside. It'd been shining on Marron; Marron seemed to unconsciously realise that something had moved in the room, he shifted slightly, eyes twitching but not opening. Carrot dropped to a kneel next to the bed.

"_What are you keeping from us...?_"

Carrot realised that a more accurate phrase might have been "Is there actually anything you're really telling us at all?"... it rested uncomfortably on Carrot's shoulders, the thought that his brother was so quiet, there could be anything he was hiding... no, Marron'd never exactly been loud as such, but Carrot liked to think that Marron'd talk to Carrot if he _needed to talk..._

Still, no-one ever said there was anything wrong. Marron was quiet and distant... he was always quiet and distant. Carrot watched his brother's sleeping face with sympathy... there didn't really need to be anything wrong. Carrot found himself worrying about Marron anyway.

Marron shifted in his sleep. The way he shifted displaced some of his hair... Carrot reached out, gently smoothing it back, wanting his brother to be comfortable.

Marron seemed to notice the touch, "Ni... niisan..."

Marron's voice was mumbling quietly in sleep, but that was undoubtedly what Marron had said. Carrot was slightly shocked for a moment or two, was Marron awake? His continued stillness prevailed, though. No, he wasn't awake. Just talking in his sleep... besides, Marron said "niisan" enough for that to not be unusual. One time, Gateau had made a comment, "We should count how many times Marron says 'niisan' in one day. I bet ya anything we lose count after like, twenty"... of course, Marron just gave that the same reaction he gave everything else. Lack of reaction _was Marron's reaction._

Marron's skin felt smooth to Carrot's fingers, he let them linger for a few seconds. Marron wasn't waking up, anyway. Once he'd taken his hand away, Carrot frowned slightly to himself. He thought that Marron's skin had felt smooth, he'd kept his fingers there to touch it... what'd _that been? Carrot shook any untoward feelings from himself. Even from a brotherly perspective, Marron was beautiful, no denying _that_. Still, Carrot was a little freaked out at himself. He dismissed that line of thought, and stood up, walking over to his bed... he thought about getting into it, but... no. Something compelled him to sit on the side of Marron's bed instead. Watch him for a little longer._

So mysterious...

Marron seemed to notice the weight on the bed, the movement that accompanied it. His eyes twitched again, they opened this time. They opened slowly, his face turning to the figure that'd disturbed his sleep... his look seemed to soften subtly when he realised who it was. Well, it wasn't like it was going to be anyone else.

"Niisan..."

Carrot looked a little startled. "Oh, uh, Marron! Sorry, I woke you up."

"... it's not a problem... you're... not in bed yet?" Marron glanced over to Carrot's bed. Still untouched.

Carrot smiled, laughing a little nervously. "Haha, not yet... couldn't really sleep, ya know..."

"It would seem that you've not even attempted sleep, niisan..."

"Not in the mood. Too busy thinkin'."

"Oh?"

"Huh? _Oh. Yeah. Now I've gotta tell him what I was thinking about. Sigh..._ Just... thinkin', ya know."

"About what?"

Marron was looking at Carrot with a honest curiosity. Marron really wanted to know what his brother thought. Carrot wondered whether to write it off as nothing, or just come out with it... he didn't see any point in keeping it back. He was worried about Marron. Maybe if he told him of this worry, Marron might tell him what was wrong, that is... if there was anything wrong in the first place, of course.

"Thinkin' about you, otouto."

Marron looked subtly shocked. "Niisan?"

Carrot sighed. "S'probably nothin'... just thinkin' that you're a bit... well... not that you're quiet, 'cause you're always quiet and stuff, but... you just seem kinda sad along with that quietness, that's what it seems like to me, anyway. As I said, it's probably nothing, but... well, I was just a bit worried, that's all. I guess. Haha, it's probably nothing, though. Just... if there's something bothering you, tell me about it, yeah? I wanna know what's up..."

Marron just watched Carrot carefully for a few moments; he turned his eyes from Carrot's, smiling softly as he looked away.

"I'm sorry I kept you awake, niisan. There's nothing wrong."

"Oh yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that. You've got that shifty look in yer eyes..." Carrot's voice was soft, but slightly reproving. "Marron, you shouldn't lie, it doesn't suit ya."

"Is it alright to lie if it means... n-no, nevermind. Just sleep, niisan. I'll be alright."

"Now I _know_ there's something bothering you. Tell me? C'mooooooooon, I'm your niisan, you should be able to tell me stuff, right?"

Marron didn't turn to look at Carrot. Carrot's behaviour was starting to irk him ever so slightly. Well, more than that. Carrot was trying to stick his nose where it didn't belong, Carrot didn't want to know what was wrong, not really. If he knew what was wrong, he wouldn't want to know.

It wasn't exactly what Carrot was doing, but for the annoyance it was starting to cause Marron, Carrot might as well have been bouncing on the edge of the bed, "TellMeTellMeTellMeTellMeTellMeTellMeTellMe"... the thought seemed a totally Carrot thing to do, and it set Marron on edge, he was almost waiting for that to happen. It didn't, but that didn't matter to Marron. He spoke slightly more forcefully.

"Niisan. Go to sleep."

"Marron, I don't wanna sleep while there's something bothering ya! Did something happen? Did Gateau try something weird? Ya feeling ill or something? Marronnnnnn... please?"

Marron glanced to look at Carrot. To his credit, he did look genuinely concerned, if still annoyingly curious.

Marron sighed.

"Niisan, it's nothing you need concern yourself with. It'd do you no good at all to know my problems... I don't force you to tell me your deepest thoughts and feelings, do I? So just... just let me sleep."

Marron caught himself before he said 'just leave me alone'. Something like that was a harsh thing to say to anyone, especially to Carrot, especially when he was worried.

It seemed to occur to Carrot for the first time, he'd been the one to disturb Marron in the first place... he jumped from Marron's bed to his bed, sitting on the side of his bed, staring at Marron.

"Sorry if I'm keeping ya awake, but... Marron, I feel kinda helpless here! You're obviously worrying about something! Okay, how about I stare at you 'til you tell me what's wrong?" Carrot set his hands on his knees, staring wide-eyed at Marron. His look softened in amusement, "Okay, I can't keep that up. But... come onnn, tell me!! Please?"

Marron was staring at the ceiling now. He let out a short, sharp sigh, closing his eyes, resting his wrist on his forehead.

"Niisan... you want to know? You really, really want to know?"

Carrot should have taken the quiet calmness in Marron's voice as a warning sign. He sounded _too_ calm... Carrot was just excited at the prospect of finally weeding something out of Marron, excited enough to ignore Marron's scary calmness.

"Yes, I do! So, tell me?"

Marron's body didn't move as he spoke.

"I'm in love with you. That's what's wrong."

He rolled over so he wasn't facing Carrot anymore. He shifted, pulling the covers around him.

"Now you know, you probably wish you didn't. So forget I said anything and just sleep."

Carrot just sat there for a moment, dumbstruck.

Marron was... in love with him?

Sure, Marron loved him, he loved Marron, but... _in love? Like... Tira and Chocolat kind of love?_

Carrot couldn't express his confusion eloquently, so he just frowned, "Marron... what?!"

Another sigh. Marron sat up, looking... angry?

"Niisan, how hard is it to understand... I, Marron Glacé, am in love with my brother, Carrot Glacé. Alright? Now you know, will you let me sleep? Get some sleep of your own? I already told you, it'd do you no good at all to know my feelings. Has it done you any good to learn the secret I carry with me every single day of my life? How can it do you any good? How can it... oh, god. I don't believe I just told you... niisan. This is going to destroy us. You'll hate me for the feelings I have for you, and I can never do anything except love you... this _will_ destroy us."

Carrot just blinked.

"Marron... you're... in love... with me?"

Marron's accusing glare hurt as much as the confusion.

"Is it such a hard concept to realise? Yet another one of niisan's endless admirers. But of course, this is so much more disgusting, so much more likely to send you running, so much more likely to make you hate me, just as you hate Milphey-Yu's attentions, so much more would you hate mine. Not just another male, but your brother... niisan, your own brother. Isn't that disgusting? Isn't that terrible? Don't you wish I'd never told you?"

"M-Marron..."

Marron rolled his eyes, another short-tempered sigh the only sound in the room for a moment. He was angry that his deepest secret was no longer secret, and Carrot's reaction was angering him more... angering him, scaring him. Carrot seemed confused, disbelieving... what kind of reaction would follow that? Anger? Hatred? This wasn't something to be passed off lightly. The confusion scared Marron more than anything else, but if he acted as if it was hopeless in the first place, perhaps it wouldn't hurt so much when Carrot stood up and said 'I hate you for what you feel' and walked out of the room, never to speak to Marron again. Or whatever he did. For all Marron's attempted preparation, he couldn't help the steady dull numbness in his body; Carrot seemed frozen for now, but whatever he did... Marron was sure that... whatever Carrot did, it'd hurt. There was no way he could respond in the way Marron wanted him to. Dreamed he would.

"Niisan. Forget I said anything, and just... if we could continue on as we've done in the past, it'd be a miracle. I'm the one in the wrong, I'm the one with these feelings that I just... shouldn't have. I'm the unforgivable one. Niisan, if... you want me to leave, then I will. You don't have to see me again if you don't want to, if it scares you too much. If it's really what you want, then I'll leave you alone forever. Just... you know my feelings now. That's as much as I can do or say. The rest is in niisan's hands."

"Ma... Marron!"

"Niisan, SAY SOMETHING!! Do you know, can you even _understand how much you're scaring me at this moment in time? Stop saying my name! Stop acting all clueless, you know what I'm saying, and I mean every word of what I say... niisan... I love you, and I know you probably hate that, and I will honestly leave you alone if that's what you want. You at least know how I feel; I can't help how you react, but please, just react! This lack of reaction is unbearable."_

Carrot didn't say anything as he stood up, moving to sit on Marron's bed. He kicked his shoes off and brought his feet onto the bed, pulling his legs around him. He put an awkward arm around Marron's shoulders, Marron just looked at him, disbelieving.

"Niisan, what are you doing?"

Carrot didn't look at Marron as he spoke. He sounded... emotional. Not quite crying, but perhaps close to it.

"Marron... I don't want you to go away. I don't want to not see you again. However you love me... I love you too, even if it's not like that, then at least in the way that I can... I love you. You're my little brother, yeah? I... I guess I was askin' for it, I wanted to know what was wrong... I... I don't want you to leave forever, Marron! Even if you do feel like that about me, you're still my little brother, I've still gotta look after you and stuff, right? You're... you're still the same _person..."_

Marron's body tensed, his sudden stiffness surprising Carrot into retracting his hand.

"Niisan, don't speak like that. You know as well as I do, it... it's different now. I'm still the same person physically, but... can we see each other in the same way ever, ever again? I'm no longer still your little brother... I'm just... as well as that, I'm someone in love with you. And you can't react to that, can you?"

Carrot wrapped his arms around Marron again, nestling his head against Marron's chest.

"I don't wanna lose you. I don't care what you feel, I don't want you to go away. Don't go away, okay?"

"Niisan..." Marron sighed. "... not if you don't want me to. But how can you stand to... how can you even stand to be this close to me after what I said? Surely you realise what this is doing to me? I'm in love with you, niisan. This isn't just a brotherly hug, not to me. Deep in my mind, I wish it could... niisan, I want you to say you feel the same way, I want you to kiss me, I want..."

Marron blushed slightly, glancing away.

"... you don't want to know what I want."

Carrot moved slightly, looking distant as he pressed his lips to Marron's cheek. Marron shot a glare at Carrot, his anger from before returning.

"Niisan, what... what are you doing?"

"You said you wanted me to kiss you..."

"Niisan, not like _that_, I..."

Carrot shook his head, "Marron, listen to me. I... I know how you wanted me to kiss you... I don't know if I can, though. I can hug you like I always used to hug you and I can kiss you like a brother would and I can say 'I love you' like a brother would... but you'd say and do those things and it'd be more... it's... not just in a brotherly way, it's... it'd be like this..."

Carrot leant up, kissing Marron. Not on the cheek this time.

Marron almost leapt backwards, catching himself in time, realising what Carrot was doing him... surprised, but not repulsed enough to rip himself away. The wishing of such things and them happening were two entirely separate things. The kiss was a kiss, though... that couldn't be ignored.

Carrot slowly pulled his head away, looking at Marron with tears in his eyes.

"... see, it'd be like that... I don't know if I could do that again. Marron, I... don't hate you for saying that, I can't hate you for saying that... the fact that you _want_ things like that from me... I don't want... I... I want to say I don't want that, but part of me's curious. I can't say 'I love you' like how you mean it, but it's almost like I want to... Marron, you were hurting so much over me... it _was_ me you were hurting over, right? Well... if it was me you were hurting over... I just feel bad. I wanna make it up to you, but it's more than that, it's... I... I dunno. Can I say 'I love you'?"

"... if you feel you need to."

"Marron, I love you. I just can't explain how anymore."

Marron narrowed his eyes slightly as Carrot replaced his head on Marron's chest.

He slowly brought his arm around Carrot's shoulders, a movement that made Carrot shiver... he felt so unsure. He wanted to say "Marron, I'm not comfortable with this", but... he didn't want to. He wanted to be comfortable with it.

Marron looked at Carrot, eyes meeting again.

"Niisan... this... this will destroy us, won't it?"

Carrot closed his eyes, holding on to Marron's nightshirt as he sighed deeply.

"... yeah, it will."

- Fin -

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Author's Ranting

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My dictionary would have "paroxysm" as a burst of uncontrollable emotion, basically. I was looking through my dictionary (... nah, I don't know why either) and found it and thought it fit quite nicely. Anyway... another one-shot, I came up with the idea last night, but I was sooo tired last night (I didn't sleep until almost 7am ^_^;), I couldn't write. So I wrote this morning (... morning? It's 5pm, I woke up around 3pm... okay, not morning) instead. Yeah. I don't have much to rant about ^_^

-Tabi-

22nd February 2003

Partypoppl@aol.com


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